Chomp!

It was like the perfect storm.

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A mother's moment of inattentiveness,

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burgeoning incisors,

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and a baby with a head cold . . . .

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Do you see where this is going?!

I sat down to nurse Max (who now has teeth on the top and bottom). We were all set up with his boppy, situated in the rocking chair, and just about to begin, when the this harrowing chain of events unfolded:

• Max opened wide
• I looked away to talk to Matt
• Max SNEEZED and CLAMPED down!

" GOOD LORD AND BUTTER ! "

(We are working on the coarse language around our house)

It's trying times like these when one must remember to "count your blessing." For instance, I am grateful to be living in this age of modern prosthesis.

I am laughing, just not out loud

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The first time I encountered "LOL" must have been my freshman year of college. I will confess that there may have been a time or two in the mid-90's I used LOL; it seemed like the thing to do.

It is a proven fact* that despite the frequent appearance of LOL's, those people typing or texting LOL are only laughing out loud 2% of the time. This means that when you see LOL, there is a 98% chance that someone is telling you a filthy-bald-faced lie.

In light of the foregoing I have refrained from using LOL. Please understand, however, I am not above using abbreviations as a means of saving keystrokes and time.

The following is a list of the abbreviations I most frequently use in emails and texts. Please print off a copy for your records. I also recommend laminating this useful reference card.

* A "proven fact" I just made up

Smart Alec for Hire

I have three questions for you:
(yes you)

1. Are you an attorney living in Salt Lake City area?
2. Do you know an attorney living in Salt Lake City area?
3. Are you aware of law firms in the Salt Lake City area who need to hire a wise-cracking attorney?

If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions drop me a note! I would like very much to be employed when we move to Utah this summer.

My pitch:

• I am a hoot to have around the office
• I leave snacks in the break room
• I know my way around the courtroom

Until I have at least three decent job leads I will be on a humor strike! No more funny for you unless I get my way.

New administrative changes. Make a note of it.

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It has been almost three years since Benedict XVI was elected as the Catholic church's 265th pope (Happy Popeaversary!) and he has just released what is surely the most controversial announcement of his papacy:

Pedophiles. Are. Bad.

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This is a new policy?

Now, when the Catholic church interviews a new priest, the candidate gets points off should he admit "a tendency to molest children." What was the old policy?

You have to wonder what this interview process is like.

Interviewer: Would you say you have a tendency to molest children?

Interviewee: How would you define tendency?

Girl Power !

I post the following ONLY because I know my husband will laugh at this. . heartily.

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Ladies, you may have wondered what is a girl's best defense against "The Shocker."

Well wonder no more, girlfriend. Presenting . . . . "The Stinger"

"Feminine hygiene goes lethal with The Pink Stinger, a stun gun creatively disguised as a tampon...except for the buttons, prods and high voltage."

I am going to stop on over to Inventor Spot right now to buy one for myself and one for each of the women in my life.

Self defense never looked so crabby!!!

I leave you with a few words of advice:

1. Always be on the lookout for men wearing typical criminal attire (note the black stocking cap and teeny tiny prowler Mag -Lite) these are the most common "shocker offenders"
2. Keep the Pink Stinger separate from your other *ahem* toiletries

DIY Demotivation

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Just playing with the demotivational poster generator at Despair.Inc . . .

When our son is 16 years old, this poster is going up on all four of his walls.

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Maybe I am just reading too much into it ...

Everyday, National Geographic sends a nifty little picture of the day (POD) to my homepage on Google.

It was downright awkward having this particular POD on my computer screen at the office today ...

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I'm a little bit afraid that National Geographic is coming on to me.

Hey . . . I'm flattered, but . . .

- - - - - - - - - - UPDATE - - - - - - - - - -

I have clearly offended National Geographic with this post. It was evident first thing this morning when I got online to find that I had been blatantly snubbed.

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All of my other nifty iGoogle features opened just fine, but the National Geographic POD is now refusing to speak to me.

Incidentally, My husband read this post last night. Someone had to, right? Anyhoo . . . this photo seems to be something of a Rorshack ink blot test around our house.

Matt also saw a racy image, be what he saw was the Aurora Borealis in a B-cup. I can definitely see how this looks like a cleavage shot.

I won't go into details of what I see when I look at this photo, suffice to say that if this National Geographic picture of the day was a doctor . . . its specialty would be POD/Gyn.

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