I don't like you in that way

Dear Utility Company:

I always suspected that you had a little crush on me. At first it seemed harmless enough, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit flattered.

However . . .

I am a little weirded out by your new stationary. Okay, a lot weirded out.

Obsessive and relentless service is not only way too much attention, Utility Company, it is downright creepy.

Just look at yourself. You just sit there, typing away, growing more and more out of shape ... your head growing more and more hydrocephalic.

Why don't you step away from that computer, get some exercise, perhaps have that noggin of yours drained? Then start thinking about finding yourself a nice girl who will appreciate you for the squirrelly little freak that you are.

I will continue to pay my bills, but that is as far as our relationship can ever go.

Please consider this letter my good faith effort to resolve this issue without a restraining order.

Your CUSTOMER,

Reluctant Kerry