'Tis the season for disappointment

I haven't even started shopping yet, but I feel confident that I'll pick out all the wrong gifts. Again.

.

One thing I always get right, though, is the wrapping. I am a world class gift wrapper. Really! But I am starting to worry that the more beautifully wrapped the gift is on the outside, the more crushing the disappointment with the item inside. So this year, I have made up some gift tags that will help manage recipient expectations.

.

TP Axiom

Listen. We have discussed this at length: the more bathroom tissue claims to be soft, the more abusive it is going to be to the business end of your digestive tract. Further adjectives are to be avoided at all costs when it comes to purchasing this stuff.

.

For the foregoing reasons, I simultaneously winced and clenched when I read this article from the Consumerist discussing the new tissue manufactured in the UK which incorporates bits of cashmere (recall that cashmere is still wool).

.

At any rate, the article is worth reading, if only for the delightful comments from like-minded readers.

.

If you guessed this post was just a lame excuse to recycle my angry TP graphic, you are especially astute!

Who do you think you are fooling?

The item below may be sold in head shops, and the purveyor will swear up and down that it is intended for smoking tobacco . . .
.
.
. . . but you and I both know for that this fine piece of hippie paraphernalia is intended for marijuana.
.

.

Similarly, this interesting item is listed as a wig purifier, which is just insulting to this consumer's intelligence. Let us just call it what it clearly is:
.

.

A DISPLAY BOX FOR SERIAL KILLERS!

.

BYU Merchandising

.
Max is too young to know it yet, but he is a University of Wyoming fan. While he was still gestating away, his mom was sewing Cowboy pennants for his nursery.

With potty training just around the corner, I cannot think of anything more suitable for Max to poop on.

I may just buy one of these BYU potty trainers over at Varsity Baby.

Now Max can learn to defecate and desecrate all at the same time!

That's some painful protection!

.

.

.

.

.

.

OH! I actually had to read the ad to understand the illustration.

.

This is sketch of a light bulb, not the male version of a chastity belt.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

That's too bad, really. This was a much more interesting advertisement when I thought they were discussing barbed wire prophylactics.

Girl Power !

I post the following ONLY because I know my husband will laugh at this. . heartily.

__________

Ladies, you may have wondered what is a girl's best defense against "The Shocker."

Well wonder no more, girlfriend. Presenting . . . . "The Stinger"

"Feminine hygiene goes lethal with The Pink Stinger, a stun gun creatively disguised as a tampon...except for the buttons, prods and high voltage."

I am going to stop on over to Inventor Spot right now to buy one for myself and one for each of the women in my life.

Self defense never looked so crabby!!!

I leave you with a few words of advice:

1. Always be on the lookout for men wearing typical criminal attire (note the black stocking cap and teeny tiny prowler Mag -Lite) these are the most common "shocker offenders"
2. Keep the Pink Stinger separate from your other *ahem* toiletries

Perhaps not age appropriate

There are so many incredible toys I would love to buy Max. Somehow I have managed to use some parental discretion on the following items:

and my favorites, in traditional University of Wyoming school colors . . .

`

For now I am determined not to impose my own weirdness on our kid. When he is old enough, he can decide for himself if weirdness is right for him.

No one likes optimists anyway

Five words:

I . . MUST . . HAVE . . THIS . . MUG

This fantastic product is available at Despair, Inc. :-(.

Enjoy your Friday, people, if you can. Try not to dwell on the fact that Monday is looming just three days away.

Bum Fodder

Around our house we have frequent disputes regarding toilet paper.

I like to buy toilet paper that is soft and gentle; Matt likes to buy toilet paper that says that it is soft and gentle.

`

There are two universal truths when it comes to bathroom tissue. First, buying toilet paper is no time to be budget conscious. Second, the more a toilet paper brand claims to be soft, the more freakishly abrasive it is.

`

A toilet paper which sells for 97¢ and is called something like "Fluffy Soft & Dainty" is probably made out of leftover copies of the Weekly World News mixed in with glass shards.

The ONLY toilet paper I want near my tookus is Charmin Bathroom Tissue Plus Lotion with Aloe.

You will note the absence of a single adjectives. Adjectives are to be avoided as if your tender little pucker depends upon it -- because it does.

My point in a nutshell:

`

(I tried so hard to make my little roll of TP look evil and menacing, despite my best efforts he ended up looking inexplicably cute-ish)

Behold, the power of the brow

So my sister bought me an eyebrow pencil, which has been useful to me since I have pale hair and my eyebrows tend to wash away into my pale skin (oh, to be Peter Gallagher with his ridiculously discernable eyebrows).

Anyhoo . . . I have amused and delighted myself playing with my new found cosmetic toy! Changing the shape of your brows can completely alter the look of your face. For example, yesterday I drew in some magnificent-high-archers and spent my entire Sunday with my face in a constant state of delightful SURPRISE!!!!

My point is that we tend to take our eyebrows for granted, and underestimate their tremendous power. Just look at what a slight change in brow contour does for the Muppets cast:

Quite a menacing crew, aren't they?

`

It looks like they are about to perform the . . .

¯

. . . most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, KILLING RITUAL!

` ` ` This is what we call the Muppet Show! ¯

¯

How to Raise a Douchebag

I truly did contemplate using a less disparaging title for this post.

`

Really.

`

However, currently exhausted after sleepless nights with a teething baby, I am grumpy and feeling judgemental. So there you have it.

Seriously though, if you are interested in raising your sweet baby as a full-fledged douchebag, here is my recommended text list for your child's fist year -- these are infant friendly boardbooks, no less.

for your aspiring Ali G

if your baby has moved past his 15 minutes of teething

Gucci Gucci Goo!

a graceful transition from strained winter squash to raw fish

This book didn't seem to fit the douchebag criteria, at first, and then I flipped it over . . .

Your little darling deserves the very best, so feed them more than caviar from that silver spoon. Nurture them with ART! It's never too early to be a Petit Connoisseur.


(Nor is it ever too earlyto cultivate a Petit Douchebag, apparently)

Oh, and let us not forget about this fantastic little nugget . . .

Baby-proofing

Because our little guy is contemplating crawling, the time has come for us to contemplate baby-proofing our home.

Researching the matter, I came across this chilling little item:

How can our company guarantee the safety of this wonder-product? Extensive toddler testing!

Research & Development went through 15 prototypes, 27 children, and 8 screwdrivers before they got the design just right.

This lucky little girl (more commonly known as Number 28) can gouge away at this outlet for hours on end with any conductive toy while her parents relax, secure in the knowledge that little 28 has a very low(ish) risk of electrocution.

How especially appetizing

`
This beverage line always makes me giggle a little bit, especially since "naked juice" is a crude euphemism my sister Amy and I have used for years (much to Mom's horror and dismay).

But this is just too, too much . . .

Since WHEN is "Protein" a flavor?

`
`

Fun with pharmaceutical brand names

I like it when medications sound like what they are. Cuts down on confusion. The names are catchy, easy to remember, and make our medicine cabinets safer places.

For example: Flonase. Just by taking a look at the label, you can guess that you are dealing with a product that restores normal nasal function and, perhaps, nasal flo?

Then there's Herpicin. This product is medicine for your icky little herpes vesicles. Nice.

Should be pretty easy to avoid confusion regarding the use of Anusol. (Which is -- by the way -- easily the funniest sounding medicine I can think of.)

`

HOWEVER. I do take exception with Boniva -- which is not, I REPEAT, is not a medication for E.D. Make a note of it.

Gridiron Guideline

It is football season once again.

(Go Pokes!)

Just a basic reminder for you athletes out there:

It is NOT okay to rough the Jesus!

(I'm thinking #21 just cost his team 15 yards)

`

Saved!

Have you found your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

I did!

Last night. In my laundry room.

Okay, well, I didn't actually see the Allmighty [sic], but I did spot His travel container. That has to count for something right?

(Too blasphemous? Maybe just a little? Don't blame me, blame the detergent manufacturer. They are the ones creating false gods. Write them a letter; proclaim your displeasure!)

Oddly enough, this is not the first time I have been impressed with cleaning products .

It's all about the packaging

Call me fussy. I really, really do not like cleaning up after my dogs. I think I have pretty much mastered the skill of bagging that loathsome stuff with a minimum degree of ickiness. That notwithstanding . . . I never developed anything akin to affection for the whole process.

Until today.

Check out this bag. How goddamn cute is this ?!

Let me take a moment to point out the finer points of this bag.

First, I can't tell you how much I enjoy the fact that this bag was designed with handles. This way, if I just can't part with my dog's latest creation, I can comfortably carry it with me for the duration of our walk.

Next, the bag has a great name: "Poopy Pouch." How clever. It truly does change my whole perspective. While a steaming sac o' crap is just disgusting, a Poopy Pouch Doggy Poo Bag is friggin' adorable!

Finally, while I am toting this bag all over my neighborhood, I can be proud of its fantastic graphics.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

OMG! There is a pooping puppy on the poopy pouch!!!! Not only is this just the most darling little picture, but should I ever forget the reason why I am carrying this bag . . .

I am so excited about this new product. Now I can't wait for my dogs to shit!

This is the greatest idea since the Britax Shipping Containers.

Thank you Poopy Pouch!

-

I have to tell you . . . I still cannot figure out why the bag's little defecator is wearing a crown. What the hell is that about?

Violently Clean

I have noticed a peculiar trend amongst the cleaning products under my sink. Seems that it is not quite good enough to merely clean house; rather, it is necessary to brutally assault any and all hard surfaces in my home.

KABOOM!

BLAST!

BAM!

and BITCH SLAP!

I'll be honest. I'm a little uncomfortable with the new fresh scent Bitch Slap! cleaner. It's not environmentally friendly.