Thursday, May 25, 2006

bilateral subungual haematoma

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. The truly unfortunate have skeletons on the web. I am worried that I may be one of those "truly unfortunate." I'm not talking about embarrassing and / or questionable photographs. No, no! What I have out there may be far, far worse.

Let me back up. I take occasional breaks from my sedentary lifestyle. During those breaks I will often go for a run as penance for my Cheetos habit.

A while back I bought some new running shoes that turned out to be a bad investment. My big toes bumped up against the end of the shoe, and after several miles my toes grew tender. However, by that time it was too late . . . purple bruises were starting to form beneath my toenails.

For the next few months I kept my blackened toes cloistered and hidden from public view. Ugh.

Then I had an appointment with a dermatologist . . . an evil dermatologist (perhaps with hazel eyes, I should have taken note). Even though I was not there for my wounded toes, the doc asked me to take my shoes off and hop up on the table.

Doc to his Physicians Assistant: Wow! Would you take a look at these?!
PA: Yeesh!
Doc to PA: 'Spose she's a runner?

(I'm insulted on two levels: -1- because they are conversing as though I am not in the room; and -2- because I do not look fit enough to pass for a runner without some debate)

PA: Maybe ...
Me: Yes! Yes I do run.
Doc to PA: Go and grab the camera, and a blue back drop, would you?
PA: I'll be right back!
Me: Ummm . . . what exactly are we doing here?
Doc: What? Oh. Uh . . . it seems you have some bruising under your toenail.
Me: So I gathered.
Doc: And we're just going to take a few pictures of them . . . . (uninintelligible)
Me: Yeah, I got that. Now, why again. . .
PA: Ok, got the camera, do you want to shoot, or do you want me to do it?
Doc: I got it.

(A series of photos is taken of my toes. one of just the right . . . then just the left . . . then both at the same time -- I kinda got the feeling I was at some sort of toe wedding).

Doc: So . . . What brings you in today?
Me: What were those pictures for?
Doc: Let's go ahead and check you for moles!

What the hell?!! To this DAY, I still have no idea what became of my toes' glamour shots. However I fear the worst. I have not stopped combing the web for those photos since that creepy, creepy office visit.

If you come across the pictures of my feet, please let me know. They are adorable size 6 feet with dainty little toes -- two of which are black as night -- set against a blue backdrop. Photos may bear the following label:

"bilateral subungual haematoma."

I will pay top dollar for information leading to the whereabouts of my toe photos.

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

NOTE: while I'm sure the toe shown above is a very nice toe . . . it is not my toe.