Wednesday, October 31, 2007

An embarrassment to my mother

I still remember celebrating Halloween when I was in first grade (ah . . . the golden age of Trick~or~Treating). That year we got to develop our own Witch's Brew.

I focused on conjuring the most sinister and frightful elixir imaginable for my brew. Especially since some of my more manby-pamby classmates were listing ingredients such as marshmallows, crayons, and ham in their pithy concoctions.

Unfortunately, my overambitious recipe horrified and embarrassed my mother when the local paper published our brews in the news.

I suspect it was the "little kid's kidneys" part that she found to be objectionable.

We were sitting at the breakfast table before school when mom burst out, "LITTLE KID'S KIDNEYS?! Why would you want to put little kid's kidneys in your witch's brew?! People are going to think I have raised a ghoulish little girl!"

I suppose -- as phrased -- it is rather chilling, particularly where the recipe calls for both kidneys from a singular kid. I can't remember if that is a misplaced apostrophe or if I saw fit to completely eviscerate the renal system of just one particularly rotten child.

In all fairness, though, how is that worse than that Kyle kid who would commingle eyeballs with his chili? SO much more stomach churning than my brew.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Better than sticking your foot in your mouth

Recently, Matt and I took a quick trip to Wyoming where Max met much of his family for the first time -- including cousins! We got to spend some time in the car with my sister's kids while we were back home.

We kept pulling out all of our "A" material to keep Jordan and Connor entertained during the 100 mile trip. We knew we were skimming the bottom of the barrel when Matt said, "Hey, did you guys know your Aunt Kerry can put her whole fist in her mouth?!"

When they didn't respond, I turned around in my seat and found out why they were so quiet:

Gifted. The members of this family are abundantly gifted.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Uncool as ever, thank you very much

No matter how educated or accomplished you may be in life, you can never escape your high school loser status.

I was reminded of this fact today while clearing out my junk mail inbox. The good people at felt it important to remind me that I was not the coolest kid in school. Not even close.

Screw you,

What's Jennifer doing that I'm not?!

If adult life is anything like our high school years . . . I would suspect that Jennifer is throwing crazy keggers while her parents are out of town and servicing the JV basketball team. Pretty creepy for a 30-year-old woman if you ask me.

I guess I'm just not that motivated to increase my number of visitors.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Comparing Notes

Now that I am a mother, I find myself swapping stories with other mothers. I was talking to other women who also had their babies by C-section, and we were discussing the down-sides of the procedure.

One woman said the worst part was the unsightly scar.

Another said the worst part was not being able to get around very well after her kid was born.

I still maintain that the worst part wast that uncomfortable cone they made me wear to keep me from gnawing out my stitches.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Little Miss Silver Lining

Sadly, four months after the birth of wunderkind Max, my hair has begun to fall out by the fistfull.
On the upside, however, I can finally exact my revenge upon my basset hounds by shedding on THEM for a delicious change!
Take THAT, you furry little bastards, you.