Just a concerned customer

Dear Brothers-All-Natural,

First off: I love your products, specifically the fruit crisps. Yum!

Okay, now you are aware that I come to you out of love, you will hopefully not begrudge me for playing grammar cop. On the back of your packaging it states:
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We take great care to insure the quality and food safety of
our products … All raw materials and finished products are
tested daily to insure 100% purity and the best possible quality.

I appreciate and admire the guarantee on the package, but I am 99% certain you are misusing the term insure when you mean ensure.

I say 99% sure, because I suppose it is possible that you are actually referring to some sort of financial liability policy that would pay you for any damages resulting from a less than quality product (in which case the usage here would be correct). I strongly suspect, however, that you are making a specific promise of a quality or condition (ENSURE) rather than referring to limiting financial liability (INSURE).

Sorry to even write this email. Frankly, I disgust myself a little bit for bothering you. I only want good things for you and your tasty products, Brothers-All-Natural! I would hate for your magnificent product to be shunned by grammar-whackos – and you know they are out there.

With warmest regards,

Kerry

Hello, I am the office perv. Pleased to meetcha!

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Dear Websense filter personnel:

I am writing this letter in defense of my character and to deny using my office computer for inappropriate purposes.

By way of background, I recently read about a necklace that sold at auction for more than $2 million. Curious to find a photo of this pricey string of pearls, I ran a Google search with the following terms:

Try, if you will, to imagine my surprise when this innocuous search triggered the Websense porn filter.

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I am saddened to find myself in the position where I must affirmatively assert that my search for a "pearl necklace" was, in fact, literal.
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Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you that your first impression of "pearl necklace" was that of hard core pornography. Tell you what: why don't you get back to me when I run a search for something more blatantly disgusting, like "Cleavland Steamer."
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Get your mind out of the gutter Websense.
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Very Truly Yours,
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Reluctant Kerry

An Open Letter To Shoes.Com

Dear Shoes. Com,

You keep sending me emails indicating that you have taken the liberty of making New Year's resolutions on my behalf.




How can I say this nicely? Back the hell off, Shoes.Com. I can make my own New Year's resolutions, thank you very much.

I won't deny the nobility of your proposed resolutions: love the Earth, stay in style, "in with the New ... Shoe!" As a new parent, however, my priorities have shifted. I have more pressing and more serious matters in my life in need of resolution than your proposed shoe-centric aspirations.

Here's just a sampling the stuff I need to get worked out in my personal life. For 2008, I resolve:

• Not to get pissed on. 2007 was a year fraught with urinary hazards, but I swear on all that is good and beautiful in this world -- I will no longer be a victim of changing-table-pissery, not this year!
• Learn to let go. The mourning period has passed. I can no longer stand wistfully before my closet full of beautiful, tiny clothes and long for what I once had -- clothes that fit. This year I will let go of my skinny jeans and tailored suits. I will learn to embrace the elegant simplicity of the Muumuu.
• Get 8 hours of sleep at night. I am a realist. I know I can't get a full eight hours every night this year. I am aiming at one. O - N- E night of unbroken rests.
• Tone my core. I am not after a six pack this year, but if I could get my navel back to a vaguely-circular shape, I would be satisfied. By the end of 2008, there will be no frowny-face belly button!!!
• Wean or Develop Ninja reflexes. As those sharp little teeth come in, this nursing mother needs to be on top of her game to avoid any more painful encounters with brand new incisors.
• Bathe. For the love of God, BATH! There's nothing clever to be said here. I have to stop sacrificing shower time for sleep. It's getting dangerous. And icky.

What is my point, Shoes.Com? Buying environmentally friendly or stylish shoes are matters I can't begin to tackle for at least the next 18 years or so.

I think what I am getting at here is that I wish to be removed from your mailing list.

Yours resolvedly,

Kerry

Open Letter to Homes.Com

Dear Homes.Com:

I was visiting your website today to look at home listings when I noticed your logo:

While I do appreciate the moxy of your energetic little "dot" in the Homes-dot-Com logo, I suspect this logo creates much confusion regarding the nature of your business.

Because it is such a fantastic graphic, I propose you keep it -- don't touch a thing. Rather, change your name.

Now that go-getter-swimmer of a "dot" makes MUCH more sense.

Good luck as your company reorganizes as a fertility resource website.

Yours helpfully,

Kerry

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Response from Homes (squiggly dot) Com :

So while there is no current plans to reorganize their site . . . I suspect such plans may be forthcoming!

I'm encouraged by their response to my letter. I think I will try to resubmit a previous Letter to my utility Company.

I don't like you in that way

Dear Utility Company:

I always suspected that you had a little crush on me. At first it seemed harmless enough, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit flattered.

However . . .

I am a little weirded out by your new stationary. Okay, a lot weirded out.

Obsessive and relentless service is not only way too much attention, Utility Company, it is downright creepy.

Just look at yourself. You just sit there, typing away, growing more and more out of shape ... your head growing more and more hydrocephalic.

Why don't you step away from that computer, get some exercise, perhaps have that noggin of yours drained? Then start thinking about finding yourself a nice girl who will appreciate you for the squirrelly little freak that you are.

I will continue to pay my bills, but that is as far as our relationship can ever go.

Please consider this letter my good faith effort to resolve this issue without a restraining order.

Your CUSTOMER,

Reluctant Kerry