Wednesday, February 23, 2011

No excuse for this cookie.

Eight years I have been out of college this spring. Still, every December and May I continue to have the final exam dream. You know the dream. You suddenly realize that you enrolled in advanced organic chemistry but never bothered attending class. Now it is too late to drop the class, you only have a couple days to cram, and you are a freaking political science major.

Then you bolt awake in a cold sweat.

Girl Scout cookie season is again upon us! Last night I had another chilling dream. I went to pick up my Samoas, only to learn that they had substituted Carmel deLites. They didn’t think I would mind, as they are “pretty much the same thing.”

If you know anything about me, anything at all, you can predict that I was blue with rage when I woke up choking and gasping.

Like the final exam dream, I predict that this one will reoccur year after year. The stress and trauma of having been maliciously ambushed with the Carmel deLite substitution has left too deep a scar.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

I really, really need some rest. Really.

Molly is teething. I am desperate for sleep. So, so desperate for sleep.

Alternately, I am abusively surly and in the next moment obnoxiously silly. It really depends when you catch me. I almost look forward to random phone calls today; I am often surprised and delighted to see what comes out of my mouth.

I managed to take a break from my zombie trance this morning to fill out a survey from LexisNexis, who had the audacity to ask me to rate them, and then justify my rating. I tried to skip the latter step, but Lexis had to press the issue.

What is the single most important reason for giving this rating?
'I suppose a rating of 6 would indicate a slightly more favorable recommendation than merely neutral or indifferent. That seems rather intuitive on a 1-10 scale, but it may be just me. There are only two meaningful choices for legal research, Lexis and Westlaw. If a colleague, associate or friend were to ask me, "hey, should I go with Lexis or Westlaw?" I would answer with a solid, "Meh. My office uses Lexis. No complaints, it's been a few years since I used Westlaw, so I don't really know what I am missing at this point. Eh, what the hell, I say give Lexis a shot." That is the single most important reason for giving Lexis a 6. You sorry you asked now? I bet you are. Look, I tried to leave this space blank, but the survey required my input. I kinda feel like you forced this rather ambling and prolix response. No one to blame but yourselves LexisNexis. No one to blame but yourselves.'

You gave is a score of 6. What do we need to do for you to score us higher in the future?

One word: schwag.

I'm thinking fountain pen, or one of those nifty travel mugs that look like a take-out paper cup. Those are awesome!
I think I need at least a quick nap as a stopgap against additional douchebaggery.

Monday, February 07, 2011

The Grossest Job You'll Ever Love

While out to lunch this weekend Max had a productive and slimy sneeze. Matt and I scrambled for napkins and raced to clean up the child before Max could take care of it with his customary lingual wipe (I gagged a little just typing “lingual wipe”).

Relieved that none in our lunch party would be consuming mucus, Matt was yet a little shaken, “I have seen some really gross stuff in my time. I have seen what it looks like when someone shoots themselves in the face with a shotgun; I have cut open a man who had been decomposing for days in the river. But nothing could prepare me for how gross kids are! I have seen things eaten that should never be eaten, disgusting things that had to be cleaned out of horrible places, and the snot! The constant snot …”

I couldn't help burst out laughing when Tough Guy closed his eyes and gave in to a full-body shudder.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Like Manna from Snark Heaven

I am sure you, like me, have spent considerable time pondering the perfect descriptor for those cooler-than-you chain smoking beatniks nouveau. They are so tortured, so creative, so ... French (even when they are not). To find a suitable term that perfectly captures these people and all their gritty on-trend splendor is a difficult task, to say the least.
I was supremely delighted when, while browsing Zulily for overpriced baby sundries, I came across THIS:

It is sublime in its perfection!

I am only saddened that I didn't think of this on my own.