Monday, January 28, 2008

Behold, the power of the brow

So my sister bought me an eyebrow pencil, which has been useful to me since I have pale hair and my eyebrows tend to wash away into my pale skin (oh, to be Peter Gallagher with his ridiculously discernable eyebrows).

Anyhoo . . . I have amused and delighted myself playing with my new found cosmetic toy! Changing the shape of your brows can completely alter the look of your face. For example, yesterday I drew in some magnificent-high-archers and spent my entire Sunday with my face in a constant state of delightful SURPRISE!!!!

My point is that we tend to take our eyebrows for granted, and underestimate their tremendous power. Just look at what a slight change in brow contour does for the Muppets cast:

Quite a menacing crew, aren't they?
It looks like they are about to perform the . . .

. . . most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, KILLING RITUAL!
` ` ` This is what we call the Muppet Show! ¯

Friday, January 25, 2008

An Open Letter To Shoes.Com

Dear Shoes. Com,

You keep sending me emails indicating that you have taken the liberty of making New Year's resolutions on my behalf.

How can I say this nicely? Back the hell off, Shoes.Com. I can make my own New Year's resolutions, thank you very much.

I won't deny the nobility of your proposed resolutions: love the Earth, stay in style, "in with the New ... Shoe!" As a new parent, however, my priorities have shifted. I have more pressing and more serious matters in my life in need of resolution than your proposed shoe-centric aspirations.

Here's just a sampling the stuff I need to get worked out in my personal life. For 2008, I resolve:

  • Not to get pissed on. 2007 was a year fraught with urinary hazards, but I swear on all that is good and beautiful in this world -- I will no longer be a victim of changing-table-pissery, not this year!
  • Learn to let go. The mourning period has passed. I can no longer stand wistfully before my closet full of beautiful, tiny clothes and long for what I once had -- clothes that fit. This year I will let go of my skinny jeans and tailored suits. I will learn to embrace the elegant simplicity of the Muumuu.
  • Get 8 hours of sleep at night. I am a realist. I know I can't get a full eight hours every night this year. I am aiming at one. O - N- E night of unbroken rests.
  • Tone my core. I am not after a six pack this year, but if I could get my navel back to a vaguely-circular shape, I would be satisfied. By the end of 2008, there will be no frowny-face belly button!!!
  • Wean or Develop Ninja reflexes. As those sharp little teeth come in, this nursing mother needs to be on top of her game to avoid any more painful encounters with brand new incisors.
  • Bathe. For the love of God, BATH! There's nothing clever to be said here. I have to stop sacrificing shower time for sleep. It's getting dangerous. And icky.

What is my point, Shoes.Com? Buying environmentally friendly or stylish shoes are matters I can't begin to tackle for at least the next 18 years or so.

I think what I am getting at here is that I wish to be removed from your mailing list.

Yours resolvedly,


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

How to Raise a Douchebag

I truly did contemplate using a less disparaging title for this post.
However, currently exhausted after sleepless nights with a teething baby, I am grumpy and feeling judgemental. So there you have it.

Seriously though, if you are interested in raising your sweet baby as a full-fledged douchebag, here is my recommended text list for your child's fist year -- these are infant friendly boardbooks, no less.

for your aspiring Ali G

if your baby has moved past his 15 minutes of teething

Gucci Gucci Goo!

a graceful transition from strained winter squash to raw fish

This book didn't seem to fit the douchebag criteria, at first, and then I flipped it over . . .

Your little darling deserves the very best, so feed them more than caviar from that silver spoon. Nurture them with ART! It's never too early to be a Petit Connoisseur.

(Nor is it ever too earlyto cultivate a Petit Douchebag, apparently)

Oh, and let us not forget about this fantastic little nugget . . .

Thursday, January 10, 2008


Because our little guy is contemplating crawling, the time has come for us to contemplate baby-proofing our home.

Researching the matter, I came across this chilling little item:

How can our company guarantee the safety of this wonder-product? Extensive toddler testing!

Research & Development went through 15 prototypes, 27 children, and 8 screwdrivers before they got the design just right.

This lucky little girl (more commonly known as Number 28) can gouge away at this outlet for hours on end with any conductive toy while her parents relax, secure in the knowledge that little 28 has a very low(ish) risk of electrocution.