Friday, January 25, 2008

An Open Letter To Shoes.Com

Dear Shoes. Com,

You keep sending me emails indicating that you have taken the liberty of making New Year's resolutions on my behalf.

How can I say this nicely? Back the hell off, Shoes.Com. I can make my own New Year's resolutions, thank you very much.

I won't deny the nobility of your proposed resolutions: love the Earth, stay in style, "in with the New ... Shoe!" As a new parent, however, my priorities have shifted. I have more pressing and more serious matters in my life in need of resolution than your proposed shoe-centric aspirations.

Here's just a sampling the stuff I need to get worked out in my personal life. For 2008, I resolve:

  • Not to get pissed on. 2007 was a year fraught with urinary hazards, but I swear on all that is good and beautiful in this world -- I will no longer be a victim of changing-table-pissery, not this year!
  • Learn to let go. The mourning period has passed. I can no longer stand wistfully before my closet full of beautiful, tiny clothes and long for what I once had -- clothes that fit. This year I will let go of my skinny jeans and tailored suits. I will learn to embrace the elegant simplicity of the Muumuu.
  • Get 8 hours of sleep at night. I am a realist. I know I can't get a full eight hours every night this year. I am aiming at one. O - N- E night of unbroken rests.
  • Tone my core. I am not after a six pack this year, but if I could get my navel back to a vaguely-circular shape, I would be satisfied. By the end of 2008, there will be no frowny-face belly button!!!
  • Wean or Develop Ninja reflexes. As those sharp little teeth come in, this nursing mother needs to be on top of her game to avoid any more painful encounters with brand new incisors.
  • Bathe. For the love of God, BATH! There's nothing clever to be said here. I have to stop sacrificing shower time for sleep. It's getting dangerous. And icky.

What is my point, Shoes.Com? Buying environmentally friendly or stylish shoes are matters I can't begin to tackle for at least the next 18 years or so.

I think what I am getting at here is that I wish to be removed from your mailing list.

Yours resolvedly,