Tragic.

Jeffy's drug habit begins to spin out of control . . .

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That really is a terrible shame.

No thanks, I'll rent

I don't like you in that way

Dear Utility Company:

I always suspected that you had a little crush on me. At first it seemed harmless enough, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit flattered.

However . . .

I am a little weirded out by your new stationary. Okay, a lot weirded out.

Obsessive and relentless service is not only way too much attention, Utility Company, it is downright creepy.

Just look at yourself. You just sit there, typing away, growing more and more out of shape ... your head growing more and more hydrocephalic.

Why don't you step away from that computer, get some exercise, perhaps have that noggin of yours drained? Then start thinking about finding yourself a nice girl who will appreciate you for the squirrelly little freak that you are.

I will continue to pay my bills, but that is as far as our relationship can ever go.

Please consider this letter my good faith effort to resolve this issue without a restraining order.

Your CUSTOMER,

Reluctant Kerry

Get Well

To Rick, who suffered a most unfortunate SLIP 'N SLIDE-related injury this past weekend, we want to wish you a complete and speedy recovery.

Again, Mom was right. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. . .

. . . Then all that is left to do is shuffle around in your bathrobe and try to sleep off what promises to be a world-class hangover.

Who's better than you, Rick?!

berries bunnies bassets and burns

It was kinda like "The Perfect Storm" only instead of working on a fishing rig, I was taking the dogs for a walk. But in all other respects . . . it was pretty much the same. Even before I walked out the front door, the stage was set for disaster.

I have two Basset Hounds. While Fred and Mae are short dogs, they are by no means small dogs. If you combine their respective poundage, they weigh more than I do.

The mulberry trees along our trail are loaded with berries. The fruit that has fallen to the ground has attracted hoards of rabbits.

A fun little fact about Bassets -- they were bred by Belgian Monks to hunt rabbits. Interesting, no?

So the dogs and I rounded a corner, and were standing on a dewy (and slippery) hill when the dogs spotted a half dozen rabbits feasting upon the berry bounty. The events that follow are still a bit of a blur, but here is what I do recall:

• Fred and Mae freeze and point.
• The rabbits spot the hounds.
• The rabbits scatter.
• The hounds bolt in opposite directions.
• Fred circles around behind me.
• I frantically race to untangle the twisted leashes.
• Fred knocks my feet out from under me, and races down the hill.
• SEARING PAIN behind my left knee!!!
• A steady stream of expletives unbefitting a young lady.

So I have some lovely bruising and a feisty rope burn adorning my thigh. I like it. Makes me look tough.

There was a lesson learned here. This is more than an idle warning.

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I must agree. Leg burning/cutting is most certainly NOT OK. If only I had been better informed before walking the dogs.

I will not get caught unprepared again, though. I've done a little research on the issue. Turns out that eye hazards and amputated fingers are also "NOT OK." I guess I got lucky ... this time.

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So it has begun . . .

The Surprising First Sign of Alzheimer's

"The first sign of dementia, including Alzheimer's disease, may not be mental decline. Instead, it's quite likely to be physical decline, especially difficulty walking and maintaining balance . . ."

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Oh shit.

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this is clearly not good news for me

Why no pinch?

God help me, I love this ad.

I also want to pinch. Desperately.

Speed Guidlines

Near my home there is a narrow winding roadway. The posted speed limit is 20 mph.

Last weekend was the first time I noticed that there was fine print on the Speed Limit sign.

huh.

Really? I was always of the impression that enforcement of speed limits was sort of implied. The sign may as well have read:

So here's my question to you: Would it be fair to infer that that signs that do not contain a "Strictly Enforced" provision will not be strictly enforced?? Fabulous!

From now on, when a Speed Limit sign does not contain any express indicators regarding enforcement, I will simply take the liberty of mentally filling in the fine print for myself.

And for the idiot driving too close behind me:

Distracted Today

Sugar Crash

I went for a run yesterday. Most of it went just fine, but the last 5-10 minutes were brutal. I completely ran out of steam. So utterly drained of energy, in fact, that I did a quick check to make sure there wasn't a tranquilizer dart in my ass.

As I was crawling, hands and knees, in the grass next to the trail, I found myself with time to ponder what the hell went wrong here.

I think, perhaps, it may have had something to do with my breakfast ... which consisted entirely of Chocolate Cookies and a Nerds Rope.

That's right. I'm ALL about the healthy living, my friends.

Click it !

Have you noticed the recent ad campaign promoting seatbelt use? I've gotta tell you, I really love that catchy slogan I keep seeing everywhere.

I just can't get enough of it: Click it or Ticket. Rhymes and everything!

I know they considered a number of excellent slogans, but I truly think they picked the right one.